HETEROSEXUALITY

Researchers have also studied differences between men and women heterosexuals. Let's consider some of their findings, and then go back to the question of nature-nurture once again.

Basic Differences in Men's and Women's Sexuality?

It probably won't surprise you to learn that researchers have found that men tend to initiate sex more frequently than do women. (Sociology is sometimes criticized for proving the obvious, as with this finding. Yet, unless we conduct studies, we don't know if our common observations are true or not. Recall the box on Sociology and Common Sense in Chapter 1. Researchers have also found that men tend to be more "goal oriented," to consider the act of sex, especially orgasm, to be what love making is all about. Women, in contrast, tend to focus more on tenderness and the quality of their emotional relationship (Hite 1976; Halpern and Sherman 1979; Blumstein and Schwartz 1983; Simon and Gagnon 1998).

      Are most women, by nature, more oriented to emotional relationships and less oriented to sex than most men? This question brings us to the thorny issue of "nature or nurture" that we have discussed from time to time. (The "essentialist" and "social constructionist" views contrasted earlier largely represent this issue. For an extended example, see the chapter on gender.) Although there are indications that biology underlies men's and women's approaches to sex, we simply don't know if this is the reason. Human sexuality always takes place within culture--and culture overlays our nature, shaping it in some particular direction. If culture allowed the free expression of our sexuality (that is, if we could do anything we wanted sexually with whomever we wanted under any circumstances we wished), we don't know if women would be as sexually oriented as men. I personally doubt it, but I am viewing reality through the lens of culture.

      We must also keep in mind that generalizations about human behavior, although true in the abstract, do not apply to individuals. Most men and women apparently have different emphases on sexual intercourse and emotional relationships, but any particular individual may vary from this tendency. A particular man, for example, may be more oriented toward intimacy, a particular woman toward having sex. Generalizations, then, can lead to stereotypes that paint everyone with the same broad brushstroke, causing us to overlook individual differences. Consider this example, which shattered a stereotype that I was holding:

A female graduate student in my department pointed to her jeans and told me that she had first seen them on a salesman who knocked on the door of her apartment. She admired his jeans, and she offered him sex if he would give them to her. He accepted. (In case this leaves you with a mental picture of the salesman leaving her apartment in his underwear, which was one of the pictures it left me with, she gave him the old pair of jeans she was wearing at the time.)

We must be careful, then, when we attempt to generalize about male and female sexuality. Our sexuality is so overridden by culture that we can't imagine what it would be like if it were not.

      One of the ways our culture inhibits women's sexuality is through stereotypes. A sexually promiscuous man is often looked up to by his friends. He is seen as a success in sexual matters, a conqueror, a sexual victor. In contrast, a woman who has many sexual partners is not as likely to be viewed in the same way. Questions are likely to be raised about why she is "like that." People may refer to her by negative terms, such as whore. Although this double standard of stereotypes is easing, it persists. If you want to test this stereotype yourself, on a sheet of paper write all the negative terms you can think of for a woman who sleeps around. On another sheet, write all the negative terms you can think of for a man who sleeps around. If you are like most people in our society, your list for women will be longer.

Sexual Arousal and Sexual Fantasies

Based on their interviews, sex researchers first reported that women are not as easily aroused sexually as men (Kinsey et al. 1948, 1953). Later research, based on devices that measure men's and women's physical sexual responses, showed little difference in how men and women become aroused to erotic stimuli (Heiman 1977). Because common experience indicates that men are more easily aroused sexually, we will have to leave this as an open question, one for which we need more research.

      A study of sexual fantasies confirms the stereotype that women are more oriented toward emotional relationships and men toward satisfying their physical needs (Ellis and Symons 1990). Apparently men have more sexual fantasies than women, and in their fantasies they have more partners. Men's fantasies also move quickly to sexual acts. In their fantasies, women are more likely to fantasize about men with whom they are having or have had a relationship, and to focus on touching and foreplay.

Frequency of Sex

As you might suppose, one of the aspects of sexual behavior that researchers have investigated is how often people have sexual intercourse. Most studies use inadequate samples, and we can't have confidence in their results. Because the Laumann research is based on a representative sample of the U.S. population ages 18 to 59, we can generalize those findings to the entire U.S. population of this age. Tables HS 2 and HS 3, based on Laumann, allow you to compare the frequency of sexual intercourse for single and married men and women.

      As you might expect, Tables HS 2 and HS 3 show that married men and women have more sex than do single men and women who don't have live-in partners. These tables also show that single men and women who have live-in partners have more sex than do married men and women. Interesting. Why do you think this is? The most likely reason is that sex is more frequent in the early stages of a relationship. Sex decreases over time, and cohabitations don't last as long as marriages. Another possible reason is based on the legal standing of the relationship and men being more likely to initiate sex. In a cohabiting relationship--in which women's rights are not established--women may be less secure, and therefore feel less capable of turning down sex when they don't feel like participating.

      If you compare men and women in these two tables, a surprising finding shows up. As you might expect, single men who aren't cohabiting have more sex than do single women who aren't cohabiting. But single women who have live-in partners have more sex than do single men who have live-in partners. If you wonder whom the women are having the extra sex with, you're not alone. It is likely that the women are not having additional partners, for that flies in the face of both what we commonly know and what research confirms: that men generally have more sexual partners (Oliver and Hyde 1993).

      The answer probably lies in the research itself. All social research is imperfect, even that which uses a representative sample. Although the Laumann sample is outstanding, the people who were interviewed have both faulty memories and various motivations for answering questions. Although I cannot say for certain why more single cohabiting women report having sex two or more times a week than do their male counterparts, I would chalk it up to different memories.

      As you can see from Tables HS 2 and HS 3, some married people don't have sex. These are not just the elderly. In some sexless marriages, even young husbands and wives find themselves incompatible and don't have sex. Yet they hold onto the marriage for some reason, often due to religious convictions or for the sake of their children.

Virginity

As you know, not all single people have sex either, and a small percentage remains virgin until they marry. This total may run about 10 percent of U.S. women and 8 percent of U.S. men (Weinberg et al. 1996). Sociologists Susan Sprecher and P. C. Regan (1989) studied college students who were virgins, 192 women and 97 men. The main reason the students gave for abstaining from sex was that they had never felt enough love for someone to give up their virginity. Women expressed more positive feelings about their decision, and they were more apt to say they were proud or satisfied with their virginity. Men, in contrast, were more apt to say they felt embarrassed or even guilty about their virginity.

      The reason for this difference in attitude about virginity is likely due to gender roles, to differences about what is expected of men and women. There appears to be a general idea that if a woman is a virgin, she is one by choice, but if a man is a virgin, he has problems of some sort. It seems that a woman can wait for the right person, or for marriage, but a man ought to be seeking sex--and the more sex he has, the more manly he is. In short, being a virgin may challenge a man's masculinity, but not a woman's femininity.